It’s been a while since I’ve done a #TransformationTuesday so I thought this before and after would only be fitting since my modeling career is blooming right along with me. A lot has changed since the pictures on the left so let’s take it back a couple years to 2017 and I’ll paint the context. I was fresh in my #BloomingUnapologetically journey. I filed for divorce that January, which for me was the key that released me to fully pursue me. It set the tone for me to step outside my box or better stated, crawl from under my rock. Modeling was a childhood dream of mine that I buried because I was told being plus sized wasn’t something I should celebrate or acknowledge. Due to that belief, most of my life I battled with my weight and hid behind clothes that would downplay my curves and plus size figure. Modeling didn’t even cross my mind again until I chose to pursue my dreams and conquer my fears as I began this healing journey. The end of my marriage served as the catalyst that I needed to propel me to be the best me. I decided that I would face my biggest battles with my fluctuating weight and address the root of my lack of confidence.
I’ve been known to disappear without notice. It’s not to be taken personal. It wasn’t for attention. It wasn’t to have anyone chase after me or look for me. It was literally to preserve my sanity and bring me back to reality. I wasn’t giving up. I wasn’t running away from my purpose. I was just disgusted with myself. I simply no longer wanted to be seen nor heard and I needed to go back underground so that I could bloom again. My thoughts were screaming louder than my focus. My actions were the exact opposite of my well practiced discipline. I literally needed to jump ship before I wrecked all the peace I worked hard to achieve. So I voluntarily went into hiding to save me from me.
For Transparency Tuesday I’m going to let y’all in on an internal battle I’ve been fighting recently. Although I am #BloomingUnapologetically and have undergone much healing, there are still wounds that are tender. I’m brave enough to admit that I am battling some insecurities. Believe it or not it's not about my body image or self perception, the specific wound I want to uncover today is my trust in men. Now I want to qualify what I mean. Do I think all men are dogs, no. Do I think it is impossible to be honest and faithful, no. All I’m saying is that I haven’t seen any of my ex’s and the devil in the same room. I’m joking but you get the gist. I merely haven’t had many positive experiences with men and in order to generate positive experiences I have to be open to them. This is my point. I swear I’m open but I’m really not. The simple thought makes me retreat with my white flag up. The thought of trusting someone again scares me. Like literally gives me anxiety. I become distant. I may even run away. I realize this is a problem and this is me openly admitting it. Now one thing I know from experience is to overcome fears you have to openly address them. I know there is no way to conquer this or get on the other side of the mountain except to go through it. This is where my analytical mind is getting the best of me. There are too many what ifs and unanswered questions. I literally would have to take a gamble with my heart and pray I don’t come up with the short end of the stick again. That is where the letter I posted on IG last night stemmed from. I was in that moment, writing to my future soulmate letting him know the battles I am fighting to get to him.
I have a history of being attracted to broken men. If you ask me in my wisdom now, I would say it is the healer in me that knows brokenness is something I can mend. That's no excuse though. The fact remains, the way I went about this was a mess. I'm guilty of loving unconditionally, haphazardly. If you go down the list of men I've been 'seriously' involved with, there was a void in their life that I knew I could fill and a lot of the time that was what attracted me. My mindset was if you don't know how to love, I'll show you. If you don't know how to trust, I'll prove it can be done. If you don't know how to show affection, with me you'll want to. I admit I even loved the challenge too. Often times taking on the role of loving the coldest of hearts for the sole purpose of knowing I can warm you. Even back then I knew I could find beauty in you. I saw potential and that was potent. Your brokenness became my kryptonite. Now I had qualifications. I wasn't just out there giving my heart to a bunch of randoms and getting involved with just anyone. Matter of fact, to this day I am not easy to access and my filter is strong. I have to be attracted to your soul and that is the only thing that can move me. I'm not materialistic. I'm not hung up on your appearance. I have specific standards, but it is your depth that will keep me interested. I know what you may be thinking, "how can you determine that with someone you just met?" This may sound crazy but even through pictures I can see your spirit. I'm observant, I pick up energies, my discernment is strong and I read people well. Not to mention I'm sober af and not distracted. I call this gift a blessing and a curse. I can see what you aren't ready to show and I have allowed my curiosity to get the best of me. My gift allows me to see the best in you even when you aren't the best you.
A few weeks ago I celebrated my divorce in the company of close friends and family. It was definitely a joyous occasion as we dined over good food and great energy. The gathering was impromptu, invites were sent via text and I literally planned it the night before with my cousin who was also celebrating her divorce which was granted just a few days before mine. I was surprised by all the "I'll see you there" responses and the turn out warmed my heart. I've gotten a lot of side eyes as word has spread that I am celebrating divorce but I would like to set the record straight. I don't advocate for divorce. I advocate for wholeness by any means necessary but even this philosophy took me a while to attain. I remember a time that I was fresh in my marriage and still on that newlywed high full of hopes and dreams for our future. The same cousin who just celebrated with me came to me seeking advice regarding her derailing marriage around October of 2014. I'm known to give good advice with my forte being toxic relationships but this was advice on a topic I was not familiar with. I hadn't been married that long and I was talking to someone who was about 10 years in the game. I remember encouraging her to work it out and to stick by her husband and to forgive him and all the other good save your marriage tactics that were taught to me. We continued our conversation over dinner and parted ways later that evening. We caught up weekly over candid conversations that usually resulted in me jokingly calling her crazy. She informed me not too long after our 'save her marriage meeting' that they would officially be parting ways. I knew that God could change anyone and fix anything so I secretly held hope and prayed that they would work things out even in the midst of me knowing she deserved better. That was my first experience with giving advice on a topic I didn't have experience with but a few months after this in February of 2015 I got my second chance at this.
So the gate is open and the chains have been broken, but where does that leave me? Honestly, I'm in the doorway looking out at my freedom and its vast possibilities but stuck between dreams and reality. It’s been a week since my divorce has been final but I can't say that it has really hit me yet. I am still a bit numb. Like it is officially over? Like really over? Like I'm really done!? I know I did a good job of concealing the depth of the troubles in my marriage. I know that God's grace made it look like what I went through wasn't a big deal and maybe didn't even warrant a divorce but the truth is the depth of my marriage woes were ugly and painful. I never thought I would leave. I never thought that I would stop trying. I never thought that I would move on and at a point in time I couldn't even fathom what that looked like or how I would even take the first step. I was under the impression that all that I was going through was what I deserved and it ultimately became my normal. I began to think that I didn't deserve love and that I would never know what love from a significant other felt like. At my breaking point, I remember asking God this can't be all that you have for me. This can't be all that I deserve and this definitely can’t be a reflection of your love. I felt unloved, I felt neglected, I felt worthless and I was emotionally tapped out. I had poured out all that I could to save our marriage the first time and he still hadn't changed, he still hadn't forgiven me and he no longer wanted to try. Despite my unbreakable demeanor, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and being on the receiving end of his bitterness. The little hope left in me led me to believe that I deserved more and the truth set in that I wasn't going to get it from him. He tapped out long before I did but I had finally mustered up enough courage to throw my towel in too. I didn't care that it made me look like a failure. I didn't care that people to this day would be saying I told you so. I was dying inside and desperate to live.
The day I found out that I was finally assigned a court date to finalize my divorce, I immediately reached out to my photographer to schedule a photo shoot. I wanted to do a divorce photo shoot unlike any of the other divorce photo shoots I saw on my google and Pinterest search. Most of those images were fueled by bitterness, rage and revenge. Depicted with burning wedding dresses, destroying property they once shared, or even downing liquor in provocative clothes. None of those photos inspired me and wasn't how I wanted to capture this final chapter of my marriage. I was not bitter. I was not angry. I was not unforgiving. I was not the newly single who wanted to mingle and downing alcohol in lingerie was definitely not an option. Instead I wanted to capture the peace in my release. I wanted to show that it is possible to heal from a divorce and to move forward in full wholeness. I wanted to show that divorce doesn't have to be a sad or angry thing. And most of all I wanted to shift the focus from my emotions for my former spouse to me and my healing journey and show that all this could be done with grace, dignity and class. For those of you who are new to my blog or Instagram you have some catching up to do! I separated from my husband in August of 2016, decided to divorce in October of 2016, filed for Divorce in January of 2017 and have been waiting patiently for this day to come. I've shared this journey of mine throughout my Instagram and via my blog and have self titled this season #BloomingUnapologetically. This divorce was honestly the best decision I've ever made. It took me a while to make the decision and even longer to actually act on it but today was the day. I am divorced and I am ecstatic! Today marked the end to a significant chapter in my life and turned the page to my rebirth.
My blog post today is a little off the beaten path. A lot of the pain I have recently experienced seems familiar so I decided to dig deeper into the karma I have conjured up. The heartache that I have been dealt was once administered by me. Among all my toxic relationships, there was … Continue reading My Only Regret. The One I Ran Away.
I used to be that pretty girl with bad intentions. I was whatever you needed me to be but only for your pleasure and my benefit. I didn’t mind being what you needed if I got what I wanted. I wanted you for what you could give me whether that be pleasure, finances, material possessions or shelter. If you weren't going to pay me in either one of those denominations, I was not entertaining you. I had a method to my madness that has even trickled down to my mindset now. There is a reason behind my self control, intuition, view on men and relationships. I learned from a pimp and all that he taught me contributed to my ability to understand people and as a result, love and forgive on the level I do now. I'd like to give my new followers some of my background and this foundation that has made me, me.
Before I continue with my divorce story, I want to tell you a little more about Leslie than what these stories are describing him to be. Although these stories seem to paint him in a negative light, I do want to inform you that he was once indeed beautiful and absolutely radiant. These recent stories tell of his lows and I did not fall in love with the man who I am currently divorcing. I fell in love with a wonderful man of God who was on fire for God and after God’s own heart. He helped me to my spiritual feet at my lowest and helped me to become the woman of God that I am today. Some of you may be familiar with our love story but I would like to retell it because even at our outcome, it still has merit and our love story was ordained by God. Remember it was the assignment that changed.