My blog post today is a little off the beaten path. A lot of the pain I have recently experienced seems familiar so I decided to dig deeper into the karma I have conjured up. The heartache that I have been dealt was once administered by me.
Among all my toxic relationships, there was one that was a jewel. A jewel not as in we didn’t have any problems or our love was just perfect but as in to this day, he was the only person I have encountered to love me without restraint. His love was so innocent. His love was so pure. His love was so giving and forgiving but I ruined it. In the midst of my relationship with the pimp, I began my relationship with him. I craved a normal relationship. I wanted to experience love. I loved him at a point where I did not know what true love was but I tried anyway. I loved him the best way I knew how to and I failed miserably. I became that girl who probably ruined it for anyone after me. If I can think of one person who could hate me, it would be him. He was a sweetheart and I was knee deep in my savagery. It has been years since I have spoken to him but if I could get in contact with him this is what I would say:
Bree told me that you were in town yesterday. You have no clue what that did to my spirit. She didn’t know that I had just prayed that if it be for us to reconnect that God make a way. I know that your heart is hardened towards me. For what exact reasons, I’m not sure but I’m sure it is deserved. You don’t know that I have been thinking about you for months now. I’ve had dreams, you’ve been on my heart, and I feel terrible. It’s almost as if I’m haunted by what I did to you. I feel terrible because I should’ve loved you better. I wish I could take back what I did to you. Things you know and things you don’t know. You were a great guy and I was emotionally immature. I admit that I tried to love you freely but I did not know what I was doing. I was still trying to find myself and my purpose on this earth. Although I haven’t physically gotten far, I have been tried beyond my breaking point and have been molded in the fire into the woman I am today. I regret so many mistakes that I made with you. Regrets that I can’t take back or make them better so I ask you to forgive me. I need to first forgive myself for all the mistakes and hurt I put you through. I have yet to encounter someone who loved me as freely as you did. That is something that I will always remember and cherish even if I never get to experience that again. I remember that I was my true self with you. I didn’t have to hold back and you accepted the level of love that I had to offer. That is what I miss the most. Someone who simply wanted to love and be loved. Although we can’t turn back the hands of time and I can’t erase what has caused you to cease communication with me, I can at least be truthful now. Something that I said to you years ago is on replay in my mind.
“If we lose contact over the years promise me you will try to look for me. I don’t care if you already have a wife and kids, are in the NBA or overseas… Look for me… please…”
I’m bringing this up because I never forgot this. Even though I was the one who married and had a child, I want to update you. I am separated from my husband and we are preparing for divorce. Never thought I would be here or that I would have to experience this. To sum up why, he left emotionally long before he left physically and he was not willing to let go and love above all. This is an amicable decision and for irreconcilable differences. Looking back I can’t help but to imagine where I went wrong. I believe some has to do with karma and the rest just destiny. I placed my life on hold to dedicate it to someone who was not willing to receive unfiltered and unconditional love in its truest form. I was forced to think back to a time where I did the same to someone else and it brought me back to you. The last time I heard from you was actually when I began my relationship with him. You disappeared without explanation. If you judge by pictures on social media or the details that I do share, you wouldn’t be able to tell but the past 3 years have been rough for me. I feel so silly sharing this information with you. Why should you even care? Will you even read this? Will I ever hear from you? Will you even reply? All questions I don’t know but I will try anyway. I need to get this off my chest, for me. I’m not sure what I am asking. I just want to hear from you. To have a conversation in my maturity. To speak with an old friend if you are willing. I don’t care how blunt you are. Whatever the truth is, I want to know, and if there is anything you want to know, I am willing to tell. I need closure and I’m asking that you provide me that so that I can finally let go.
I pray this heartfelt letter finds you well.
To this day I still haven’t spoken to him, but I have since forgiven myself. The purpose in me writing him this letter was because I wanted closure. I didn’t necessarily need his response, but whether he granted me it or not, I needed to ask for his forgiveness. I needed to say I’m sorry at least subconsciously. It weighed heavy on my heart and I didn’t feel a release until I wrote this out. I’m the type of person who writes out letters that I will never give to people. It brings me peace and forces me to address subjects that I would otherwise be in denial about or ignore. In these letters I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. I don’t always physically deliver these letters but I do mentally and emotionally. I’d rather get it out than leave it in and harbor ‘what ifs’ internally. I never shared this letter with him nor with anyone prior to this point. I am aware that he may see this very post but I am not expecting a response. I AM finally at peace.
I’ll leave you with this poem, IG post and Lessons Learned:
I wrote this poem years ago, before I got married. It wasn’t directed at him but in general to all my soul ties.
By peace I mean where the what ifs no longer bother me.
By peace I mean where the soul ties no longer keep me connected.
By peace I mean where I can move forward in full wholeness so that I can give to my husband what I have left.
Rest in peace, to where your name no longer tortures me.
Rest in peace to where pictures of you no longer torment me.
Rest in peace so that The Peace that surpasses all understanding can comfort me.
Rest in peace so that I can finally flourish in my destiny.
Rest in peace, please don’t reach out to me.
Rest in peace, please forgive me.
Rest in peace, let go of what used to be.
Rest in peace, we may have been friends, maybe lovers, but we were never meant to be.
I’m at peace, I have a new life you see.
I’m at peace, your soul tie is no longer a stronghold over me.
In the attached IG post, I shared this poem and concluded with a letter addressed to the men of my past.
I’ve been asked if I regret my past. ‘Past’ defined as all the men I’ve exposed my soul and body to, all the the reckless, spontaneous, and bold moves that I made on my journey through womanhood. My answer is no. I don’t regret her. Because if I regret her, I regret me. She is me and I was her. A different season, a different story a different lesson learned that all contributes to the she I AM today. What would I be without her? Probably closer to my goals if I didn’t give into those distractions and detours, but I AM at peace, I live in peace, I AM peace. I have forgiven her and she has forgiven me. Soul ties no longer bind me. I’m grateful for each story that will be composed from my experiences.
To the men of my past:
I thank you for what you contributed to me back then but I apologize that you didn’t get to experience the she I AM today. She is much different than the she of my past. She back then was lost, broken and attempting to find herself. If I hurt you, I’m sorry. Please forgive me. If you hurt me, I have already forgiven you. See, I AM she, but no longer that she. Since then, I have lived, I have learned and I have found me.
- Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it is for you.
- Don’t be that person who ruins love for her/him.
- Karma is real.
- Soul ties are real.
- What you sow, you will reap.
- There is such thing as too late.
- Second chances are few and far inbetween.
- Don’t leave this earth without telling people how you feel