I have a history of being attracted to broken men. If you ask me in my wisdom now, I would say it is the healer in me that knows brokenness is something I can mend. That’s no excuse though. The fact remains, the way I went about this was a mess. I’m guilty of loving unconditionally, haphazardly. If you go down the list of men I’ve been ‘seriously’ involved with, there was a void in their life that I knew I could fill and a lot of the time that was what attracted me. My mindset was if you don’t know how to love, I’ll show you. If you don’t know how to trust, I’ll prove it can be done. If you don’t know how to show affection, with me you’ll want to. I admit I even loved the challenge too. Often times taking on the role of loving the coldest of hearts for the sole purpose of knowing I can warm you. Even back then I knew I could find beauty in you. I saw potential and that was potent. Your brokenness became my kryptonite.
Now I had qualifications. I wasn’t just out there giving my heart to a bunch of randoms and getting involved with just anyone. Matter of fact, to this day I am not easy to access and my filter is strong. I have to be attracted to your soul and that is the only thing that can move me. I’m not materialistic. I’m not hung up on your appearance. I have specific standards, but it is your depth that will keep me interested. I know what you may be thinking, “how can you determine that with someone you just met?” This may sound crazy but even through pictures I can see your spirit. I’m observant, I pick up energies, my discernment is strong and I read people well. Not to mention I’m sober af and not distracted. I call this gift a blessing and a curse. I can see what you aren’t ready to show and I have allowed my curiosity to get the best of me. My gift allows me to see the best in you even when you aren’t the best you.
If you are familiar with any of my relationship stories you’ll know that my haphazard attempts of ‘loving men to life’ didn’t get me very far. My commitment to loving you until the brakes fell off left me depleted, emotionally abused, and drowning in toxicity. I got stuck in a cycle with potential fueling me. ‘But I know he’s beautiful, I know he can be this, I know he will eventually figure it out’ were the justifications I fed myself. Mix that with my forgiving heart and I have to confess I wasted more time than I could account for. Once things got bad enough, I eventually left but I was immediately on to the next. I was broken trying to heal people with what I had left.
Because of my ill attempts at trying to put you back together, I probably left you worse off than I found you. Not that I abused you, but I enabled you. I made you dependent on me. I made things comfortable for you to where the things that I did were not appreciated and I ended up getting the short end of the stick despite my pure intentions. Often times I broke my own heart by setting unrealistic expectations. I certainly wasn’t whole but I attempted to love you anyway. Maybe our brokenness would cancel each other out. Maybe if I loved you hard enough you’d one day figure it out. It doesn’t work like that and after a number of toxic relationships with men who couldn’t love me back, I finally realized that.
I am pleased to share that after deep self reflection, admitting my faults, taking ownership of the decisions I made, and forgiving myself, I am no longer that girl. It took divorce for me to break out of that cycle and finally come to grips that even though I love unconditionally, have healing capabilities and the power to penetrate broken hearts it’s not my responsibility to save you. I do not need to pull out my cape every time I see a broken man that I’m attracted to just because I know how to, I may even deeply desire to but it’s not my place to. Everyone is not my assignment and I had to accept that.
I can love you from a distance if necessary but it is not required of me to be hands on. I can want the best for you but that doesn’t mean I’m the best for you. Enabling you will only hurt you in the end. Your healing cannot begin with me, it must begin within.
After self reflection, if your history has proven that you are attracted to broken people like me, set boundaries. Set standards for you and what you allow. Know that you can amend those terms on your terms. Be disciplined. Follow through on the boundaries you have set. Be prepared to accept that even one slip up can be toxic. I personally cannot afford to waste any more time and I refuse to waste yours so if there is no purpose, she ain’t me. If God didn’t assign me to you, you will not get my attention. Sober up, eliminate distractions, clear your head and purify your space so that you can think clearly. It’s not too late. Put that cape up and focus on your healing. Begin with loving yourself.