For Transparency Tuesday I’m going to let y’all in on an internal battle I’ve been fighting recently. Although I am #BloomingUnapologetically and have undergone much healing, there are still wounds that are tender. I’m brave enough to admit that I am battling some insecurities. Believe it or not it’s not about my body image or self perception, the specific wound I want to uncover today is my trust in men. Now I want to qualify what I mean. Do I think all men are dogs, no. Do I think it is impossible to be honest and faithful, no. All I’m saying is that I haven’t seen any of my ex’s and the devil in the same room. I’m joking but you get the gist. I merely haven’t had many positive experiences with men and in order to generate positive experiences I have to be open to them. This is my point. I swear I’m open but I’m really not. The simple thought makes me retreat with my white flag up. The thought of trusting someone again scares me. Like literally gives me anxiety. I become distant. I may even run away. I realize this is a problem and this is me openly admitting it.
Now one thing I know from experience is to overcome fears you have to openly address them. I know there is no way to conquer this or get on the other side of the mountain except to go through it. This is where my analytical mind is getting the best of me. There are too many what ifs and unanswered questions. I literally would have to take a gamble with my heart and pray I don’t come up with the short end of the stick again. That is where the letter I posted on IG last night stemmed from. I was in that moment, writing to my future soulmate letting him know the battles I am fighting to get to him.
My transparency last night wasn’t for attention or opinions. I have just learned from experience that I tend to heal quicker when I am transparent. I felt like I needed to release that so that I could move forward instead of trying to battle it by myself. I also wanted to let it be known to my future soulmate if he just so happened to run across my post. I have methods to my madness. I am very articulate in communicating how I feel. I often do that in my relationships whether I get a response from you or not. I never want there to be questions or confusion on my end so I communicate clearly with the hopes that my needs are met or at the very least, understood. I wrote that letter to him so that he could fully understand how I think, what caused me to have these insecurities and how I would actively need his help to heal. I know this job will only be for one person and I am patient enough to allow God to manifest this King. He is going to have to be special. He is required to be special. His key would have to be God fashioned and formed to fit my lock.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting around waiting to be rescued. I live a full life and I am actively doing my part to heal. If you’ve been following my blog or more so following me on Instagram my growth is visible. This is just an internal wound that I had to allow to come to the surface so that I can release. I will continue bettering myself in this season of singleness and my discernment will continue to ward off impersonators.
So Dear King,
Know that I’m not difficult and my heart isn’t hardened. I am easy to love and possess the ability to love unconditionally. I am equipped and willing to love you. I trust God to form you in His image and equip you with all that you need on your journey. I pray that you don’t come a moment sooner than I am ready to receive you.
IG Post 7/9/18: