After going through all that I’ve recently gone through, my sister asked me if I thought karma has finally finished with me yet. She obviously was referencing my tainted past. I looked at her in amazement because it caught me off guard but I answered I sure pray so because I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Her comment forced me to think of all the havoc I wrecked in my past. The trail of broken hearts and empty promises of love unfulfilled that I used to bait men with. Looking back I have definitely reaped some karma that brought me to my knees. You see, I used to be that pretty girl with bad intentions. I was whatever you needed me to be but only for your pleasure and my benefit. I didn’t mind being what you needed if I got what I wanted. I wanted you for what you could give me whether that be pleasure, finances, material possessions or shelter. If you weren’t going to pay me in either one of those denominations, I was not entertaining you. They were my tricks if you will, but I was by no means a ho. I had a method to my madness that has even trickled down to my mindset now. There is a reason behind my self control, intuition, view on men and relationships. I learned from a pimp and all that he taught me contributed to my ability to understand people and as a result, love and forgive on the level I do now. I’d like to give my new followers some of my background on this foundation that has made me, me.
As some of you know, I was with a pimp for 5 years. He wasn’t always a pimp and believe it or not we had a real relationship at a point in time. I was never his working girl. I was his girlfriend, his only outlet, his best friend and his right hand man. The closest person with access to him for 5 years. He was brilliant, cool, calm, collected cold hearted and calculated. I was the only person to experience his warmth. Every move he made was strategic. Every action and interaction he made had a purpose or else you simply did not have access to him. You couldn’t find him on social media, still can’t. You weren’t going to run into him on the street, he was and still is the epitome of low key. Not like these boys running the streets now. At 16 he was an OG. He never went to college. He didn’t even finish high school but he learned from studying people and reading. I don’t commend him on how he used his knowledge to manipulate people but I must give him credit for mastering understanding people. When I tell you that he was one of the most brilliant minds I have encountered on this earth, I mean that wholeheartedly.
Now why he chose me, I don’t know but he poured into me for 5 years. Think about that, for at least 1825 days I absorbed everything he taught me. Woke is an understatement. He taught me how to be a learner of life around me. He taught me how to study people. He taught me to remain observant, vigilant and aware of my surroundings at all times. He taught me how to control my emotions and to never let anyone get me out my character. He taught me how to be in control of me. He taught me how to remove emotions from all my decisions and to make logical decisions, strategic decisions, decisions that would provoke the outcome that I sought to achieve. Mind control. ‘What do you need me to be so that I can get out of you what I want from you.’ He caught me when I was a blank slate. Life hadn’t happened to me yet so he wrote in the content of my pages in his signature handwriting. I met him when I was 14 and by 19 I was his clone. The female version of him if you will. He essentially set the foundation of my worldly knowledge. Ignorance was bliss. I honestly can’t remember what I was like before I met him. I was a child even then. However, I do remember what he didn’t teach me. He didn’t teach me love. He didn’t teach me compassion. He didn’t teach me how to care. He taught me how to be cold-hearted because love had failed him. I made it my goal to show him what love was. Unconditional love was a gift I possessed even before him. He trusted me with his life as I did him with mine. I was light and he was darkness.
He saw something in me that I don’t believe anyone else has been able to see since then or at least has not been patient enough to see all that I AM come into fruition. He loved me and cultivated what he saw in me the only way he knew how to. He taught me what he knew and passed down his vast knowledge of people, mind control and manipulation. He literally gifted me an upper hand and looking back now I want to thank him for that. For teaching me to control my thoughts and actions. For showing me that everyone and everything doesn’t deserve my reaction and ultimately showing me to choose wisely. He woke me up to the point where I thought I was ruined. I didn’t think I would ever be able to see people the same, love or have a normal relationship. Although I still possess the knowledge that he gifted me, I no longer use it for bad. I am no longer that good girl with bad intentions. I no longer people watch to manipulate but to identify avenues of healing. I love on an unconditional level and forgiveness flows freely. That upper hand has now turned into wisdom and discernment. What he taught me was used for his temporary good but Ultimately God’s glory.
I AM seasoned, not naive
Contrary to popular belief, I’m not as innocent as it seems
I’ll share but you must read
Not just my picture captions but my content
There you will find my soul and its contents
I’m deeper than success stories
My life was never picture perfect
Some hardships brought by my own hand
Wrong places, at the wrong time, and no business being there was my brand
Self inflicted wounds
Through the fire of my decisions, I’ve been refined
Refined to shine and emit light
Light so recognizable it improves sight
A new creature but you still will be able to identify with me
You see, my story is your story, just different names, faces, times and places
You too, is she
My goal is to reach the masses with a simple touch of humanity
I’m not perfect and neither are you
So lets share our stories because the world needs us too
There are people who can be healed by you sharing you
What good does it do to withhold your truth
– Tatyana Jalisa