I’ve been known to disappear without notice. It’s not to be taken personal. It wasn’t for attention. It wasn’t to have anyone chase after me or look for me. It was literally to preserve my sanity and bring me back to reality. I wasn’t giving up. I wasn’t running away from my purpose. I was just disgusted with myself. I simply no longer wanted to be seen nor heard and I needed to go back underground so that I could bloom again. My thoughts were screaming louder than my focus. My actions were the exact opposite of my well practiced discipline. I literally needed to jump ship before I wrecked all the peace I worked hard to achieve. So I voluntarily went into hiding to save me from me.
I took my relapse offline and continued behind the scenes. I still did all the the things you’d normally see but it was so refreshing to have no one watching me. Self care if you will. I needed to recharge my batteries and get back to the depth of me. I felt like I was losing myself and sight of all that this journey was meant to be. Distractions and my actions were threatening my growth and I needed to gain control in the midst of me spiraling out of control. I caught myself before I hit rock bottom and the “disappearing act” allowed me to recover my missteps.
Although 2018 was productive for me, I knew that I could’ve achieved more through discipline and focusing. By filtering and standing guard over those who I allow to have access to me. By reminding myself and understanding that I cannot force anyone to let me in or to receive all that I Am. By setting higher standards for myself and actually sticking to it. By allowing myself to fail but still accepting the lesson by at the very least getting it out my system.
I’ve literally spent the last three months sorting through my bullshit. Possibly even testing my limits and uncovering wounds I’m still dealing with. As unorthodox as my approach was, I definitely got to the root of some of my issues and birthed some new relationships in the process. I’m nowhere near a finished product but I’m back to a level of stability where I can sit back, reflect and grasp the bigger picture.
I’m still working through this. Definitely collected a few stories that I’ll be sharing from my time offline. I will get back into the swing of this and may even have to relearn transparency after my much cherished time in solitude. Journey with me as I share my new growth and continue Blooming Unapologetically.