Tag: distractions

Disappearing Acts, My Social Media Hiatus

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I’ve been known to disappear without notice. It’s not to be taken personal. It wasn’t for attention. It wasn’t to have anyone chase after me or look for me. It was literally to preserve my sanity and bring me back to reality. I wasn’t giving up. I wasn’t running away from my purpose. I was just disgusted with myself. I simply no longer wanted to be seen nor heard and I needed to go back underground so that I could bloom again. My thoughts were screaming louder than my focus. My actions were the exact opposite of my well practiced discipline. I literally needed to jump ship before I wrecked all the peace I worked hard to achieve. So I voluntarily went into hiding to save me from me.

Broken Men Pt 1: Put That Cape Up Sis You Can’t Save Him

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I have a history of being attracted to broken men. If you ask me in my wisdom now, I would say it is the healer in me that knows brokenness is something I can mend. That's no excuse though. The fact remains, the way I went about this was a mess. I'm guilty of loving unconditionally, haphazardly. If you go down the list of men I've been 'seriously' involved with, there was a void in their life that I knew I could fill and a lot of the time that was what attracted me. My mindset was if you don't know how to love, I'll show you. If you don't know how to trust, I'll prove it can be done. If you don't know how to show affection, with me you'll want to. I admit I even loved the challenge too. Often times taking on the role of loving the coldest of hearts for the sole purpose of knowing I can warm you. Even back then I knew I could find beauty in you. I saw potential and that was potent. Your brokenness became my kryptonite. Now I had qualifications. I wasn't just out there giving my heart to a bunch of randoms and getting involved with just anyone. Matter of fact, to this day I am not easy to access and my filter is strong. I have to be attracted to your soul and that is the only thing that can move me. I'm not materialistic. I'm not hung up on your appearance. I have specific standards, but it is your depth that will keep me interested. I know what you may be thinking, "how can you determine that with someone you just met?" This may sound crazy but even through pictures I can see your spirit. I'm observant, I pick up energies, my discernment is strong and I read people well. Not to mention I'm sober af and not distracted. I call this gift a blessing and a curse. I can see what you aren't ready to show and I have allowed my curiosity to get the best of me. My gift allows me to see the best in you even when you aren't the best you.

Remain Focused

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So it's officially been two weeks since I've moved to Boston and I am already in love. Everything about Boston screams the perfect place for my new beginning. The atmosphere feels progressive, forward moving and free. It's not as fast as my native lands of Southern California but it's not as slow as my second home, the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. There are small businesses, trendy shops and delicious eateries on just about every corner. Walking and the MBTA are my methods of transportation in and out of the city and I've found a few favorite routes already. The last 17 days have been spent exploring, people watching, and enjoying being a stay at home mom. The fact that I actually have idle time is what I haven't gotten used to. They say idle time is the devil’s playground and I must admit that my focus has been under attack. The very area that I thought I had conquered had come back to haunt me and that all derived from me feeling lonely. Upon my move to Boston a wave of loneliness crept over me. Anxiety about being in a new place and knowing no one began to set in. I started to feel really small in this big city and actually craved company. Sure my sister and son were here with me but that wasn't the type of company I was craving. To be quite frank, I wanted male companionship. I had been so busy wrapping up my loose ends in Dallas, this feeling of loneliness caught me off guard completely. I've relocated before so I had to think back to what I did the last time. I was forced to dig into the truth of my past and truth was I let this previous new beginning loneliness get the best of me. The way I handled my idle time the last time rerouted my destiny.