It’s been a while since I’ve done a #TransformationTuesday so I thought this before and after would only be fitting since my modeling career is blooming right along with me. A lot has changed since the pictures on the left so let’s take it back a couple years to 2017 and I’ll paint the context. I was fresh in my #BloomingUnapologetically journey. I filed for divorce that January, which for me was the key that released me to fully pursue me. It set the tone for me to step outside my box or better stated, crawl from under my rock. Modeling was a childhood dream of mine that I buried because I was told being plus sized wasn’t something I should celebrate or acknowledge. Due to that belief, most of my life I battled with my weight and hid behind clothes that would downplay my curves and plus size figure. Modeling didn’t even cross my mind again until I chose to pursue my dreams and conquer my fears as I began this healing journey. The end of my marriage served as the catalyst that I needed to propel me to be the best me. I decided that I would face my biggest battles with my fluctuating weight and address the root of my lack of confidence.
I’ve been known to disappear without notice. It’s not to be taken personal. It wasn’t for attention. It wasn’t to have anyone chase after me or look for me. It was literally to preserve my sanity and bring me back to reality. I wasn’t giving up. I wasn’t running away from my purpose. I was just disgusted with myself. I simply no longer wanted to be seen nor heard and I needed to go back underground so that I could bloom again. My thoughts were screaming louder than my focus. My actions were the exact opposite of my well practiced discipline. I literally needed to jump ship before I wrecked all the peace I worked hard to achieve. So I voluntarily went into hiding to save me from me.
For Transparency Tuesday I’m going to let y’all in on an internal battle I’ve been fighting recently. Although I am #BloomingUnapologetically and have undergone much healing, there are still wounds that are tender. I’m brave enough to admit that I am battling some insecurities. Believe it or not it's not about my body image or self perception, the specific wound I want to uncover today is my trust in men. Now I want to qualify what I mean. Do I think all men are dogs, no. Do I think it is impossible to be honest and faithful, no. All I’m saying is that I haven’t seen any of my ex’s and the devil in the same room. I’m joking but you get the gist. I merely haven’t had many positive experiences with men and in order to generate positive experiences I have to be open to them. This is my point. I swear I’m open but I’m really not. The simple thought makes me retreat with my white flag up. The thought of trusting someone again scares me. Like literally gives me anxiety. I become distant. I may even run away. I realize this is a problem and this is me openly admitting it. Now one thing I know from experience is to overcome fears you have to openly address them. I know there is no way to conquer this or get on the other side of the mountain except to go through it. This is where my analytical mind is getting the best of me. There are too many what ifs and unanswered questions. I literally would have to take a gamble with my heart and pray I don’t come up with the short end of the stick again. That is where the letter I posted on IG last night stemmed from. I was in that moment, writing to my future soulmate letting him know the battles I am fighting to get to him.
So it's officially been two weeks since I've moved to Boston and I am already in love. Everything about Boston screams the perfect place for my new beginning. The atmosphere feels progressive, forward moving and free. It's not as fast as my native lands of Southern California but it's not as slow as my second home, the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. There are small businesses, trendy shops and delicious eateries on just about every corner. Walking and the MBTA are my methods of transportation in and out of the city and I've found a few favorite routes already. The last 17 days have been spent exploring, people watching, and enjoying being a stay at home mom. The fact that I actually have idle time is what I haven't gotten used to. They say idle time is the devil’s playground and I must admit that my focus has been under attack. The very area that I thought I had conquered had come back to haunt me and that all derived from me feeling lonely. Upon my move to Boston a wave of loneliness crept over me. Anxiety about being in a new place and knowing no one began to set in. I started to feel really small in this big city and actually craved company. Sure my sister and son were here with me but that wasn't the type of company I was craving. To be quite frank, I wanted male companionship. I had been so busy wrapping up my loose ends in Dallas, this feeling of loneliness caught me off guard completely. I've relocated before so I had to think back to what I did the last time. I was forced to dig into the truth of my past and truth was I let this previous new beginning loneliness get the best of me. The way I handled my idle time the last time rerouted my destiny.