So it’s officially been two weeks since I’ve moved to Boston and I am already in love. Everything about Boston screams the perfect place for my new beginning. The atmosphere feels progressive, forward moving and free. It’s not as fast as my native lands of Southern California but it’s not as slow as my second home, the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. There are small businesses, trendy shops and delicious eateries on just about every corner. Walking and the MBTA are my methods of transportation in and out of the city and I’ve found a few favorite routes already. The last 17 days have been spent exploring, people watching, and enjoying being a stay at home mom. The fact that I actually have idle time is what I haven’t gotten used to. They say idle time is the devil’s playground and I must admit that my focus has been under attack. The very area that I thought I had conquered came back to haunt me and that all derived from me feeling lonely.
Upon my move to Boston a wave of loneliness crept over me. Anxiety about being in a new place and knowing no one began to set in. I started to feel really small in this big city and actually craved company. Sure my sister and son were here with me but that wasn’t the type of company I was craving. To be quite frank, I wanted male companionship. I had been so busy wrapping up my loose ends in Dallas, this feeling of loneliness caught me off guard completely. I’ve relocated before so I had to think back to what I did the last time. I was forced to dig into the truth of my past and truth was I let this previous new beginning loneliness get the best of me. The way I handled my idle time the last time rerouted my destiny.
I’ve shared in my previous blog posts that when I first moved to Texas I cut off my California life and all the people I was involved with. That was true but the rest of that story was I immediately began searching for Texas replacements. I was a new person in a new place and I wanted to get out and meet people. I was at a crosswords internally. I knew I was brought to Texas for a new beginning and I needed more than anything to sit down and focus but my time and attention was being spent elsewhere. It took me a couple months to act on the thoughts I had brewing but once I did, I went full force. I filled my time entertaining recreational relationships. I went out on a few dates and every weekend I was out at a bar or lounge looking for new prospects. I soon found what I was looking for and that man later became my son’s father.
If you let me tell that story from my sober mindset right now, I would title it ‘At the Wrong Place At the Wrong Time’ or ‘I Had No Business Being There.’ Sounds comical but those titles are absolutely accurate. I was 19 years old in a 21 and over club using my older girlfriend’s ID. He literally was the first man to approach me. I wouldn’t say I was initially attracted or that he is even my type. He was sweet, I was amused and he was persistent. I gave him my number, we began communication shortly after that and his persistence paid off. He called, texted, and invited me to meet up every chance he got. I had ‘nothing else’ to do so I gave him a shot. Superficial feelings began to form, we got sexually involved, and that eventually led us into a relationship. Did I mention he was persistent? Even when I realized early on that he was not someone I imagined in my future long term, our relationship was already toxic. Not to take away from the good qualities about him but that relationship should have never gotten that far. If I’m being completely honest, it was fueled by lust, boredom, and the search of a rebound. We weren’t compatible, we argued often, and before you knew it, I was pregnant. I had only been in Texas 5 months and I was pregnant by a man I had barely met! Just telling this story now makes me sound insane. I’m actually a little embarrassed too. I’ll share the rest of that story at another time on another blog post but the moral of the story is I got exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for a time filler and I got that, a toxic relationship, and a child who’s life I am now responsible for.
I’ve learned a few other life lessons since the termination of that relationship. The biggest lesson learned being that singleness should be cherished and there is no need to seek companionship or to add anyone to me. Even knowing this, my current idleness had me rethinking my singleness. Up until I moved to Boston I was pretty much the poster child for singleness. Don’t ask me about a relationship, don’t approach me about a relationship, don’t try to force me into a relationship, just leave me be. I wasn’t bitter or a man hater I was just newly divorced and in the the midst of finding me. I couldn’t afford any distractions and for me I know the kind of distractions that are successful at distracting me are people I’ve added to me. My history proves that when I get bored, I solicit entertainment and my particular choice of entertainment was in the meantime situationships. My purpose wasn’t to get physically involved, I just wanted to meet someone new. Getting to know you would lead to the formation of feelings and some type of physical attraction. Most of those led to dead ends and for the ones who got far it usually formed into toxic relationships. I wasn’t looking for anything long term, but just someone to keep me entertained in the meantime. The meantime would transition to life long soul ties and that leads me back to now. I never intended to be distracted, but that was always the outcome. I voluntarily and purposely allowed you to take my mind off of what I was supposed to be focused on which in turn majorly decreased my productivity. I could’ve finished school, I could’ve written books, I could’ve started businesses but instead I gave up the productivity I could’ve had for toxic relationships that I have nothing to show for except the stories I’m telling you now.
I gave myself so freely in my past it is a constant battle to guard access to me now. My God filter blocks a lot of unwarranted attention but I still have free will. The free will is what I’ve been struggling with in the last couple weeks. I know that I have the ability to do it, I have to opportunity to do it, I may even have the deep desire to do it but deep down inside I know better than to do it. In the midst of my loneliness anxiety attack, I literally had a come to Jesus moment. I recognized what was happening, I realized what was under attack, and as the possibilities of my future flashed before me an immediate peace replaced that anxiety. In that moment I was reminded that everything that I have been working so hard to achieve will come to pass if I remain focused. So I’m back, I’ve sobered up, I’ve gotten my feelings back under control and my mental epi pen is the reality that a temporary solution isn’t worth the future God has promised me.
Food for Thought:
Take a moment to assess your present, past and future. Can you recall a time that a distraction has rerouted your destiny? Was it worth it? You may eventually get to your desired outcome but is that person, place or thing worth the wasted time in between? Sure you’ll have a testimony like me but think about all that you have or will forfeit if you give in.
I challenge you to remain focused. Take baby steps if you must but the goal is for you to progress. Celebrate your successes as they come, get back on course if you step off track, but whatever you do, move forward and don’t look back.
2 thoughts on “Remain Focused”
Thank you so much! Great timing I needed to hear your journey to help me refocus on stay on track and not to allow loneliness push me back into a very toxic situation. I’ve lost 5 years fighting for the wrong things
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I’m glad that it reached you where you needed it. It was difficult for me to share this weakness of mine but I’ve set out to conquer it this time! I wish you well on your journey!