Tag: new beginnings

Remain Focused

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So it's officially been two weeks since I've moved to Boston and I am already in love. Everything about Boston screams the perfect place for my new beginning. The atmosphere feels progressive, forward moving and free. It's not as fast as my native lands of Southern California but it's not as slow as my second home, the suburbs of Dallas, Texas. There are small businesses, trendy shops and delicious eateries on just about every corner. Walking and the MBTA are my methods of transportation in and out of the city and I've found a few favorite routes already. The last 17 days have been spent exploring, people watching, and enjoying being a stay at home mom. The fact that I actually have idle time is what I haven't gotten used to. They say idle time is the devil’s playground and I must admit that my focus has been under attack. The very area that I thought I had conquered had come back to haunt me and that all derived from me feeling lonely. Upon my move to Boston a wave of loneliness crept over me. Anxiety about being in a new place and knowing no one began to set in. I started to feel really small in this big city and actually craved company. Sure my sister and son were here with me but that wasn't the type of company I was craving. To be quite frank, I wanted male companionship. I had been so busy wrapping up my loose ends in Dallas, this feeling of loneliness caught me off guard completely. I've relocated before so I had to think back to what I did the last time. I was forced to dig into the truth of my past and truth was I let this previous new beginning loneliness get the best of me. The way I handled my idle time the last time rerouted my destiny.

Afraid to Move?

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If you already follow me on Instagram I have shared that I am moving to Boston in a couple weeks, September 1st to be exact. I'm not originally from Dallas, Texas. I am a southern California native who migrated to Dallas with an ultimatum given by my parents. They told me I had to move or they wouldn’t pay my tuition. Having no possible rebuttal, I moved to Dallas in June of 2010 and I wasn't too thrilled about my move back then. I had created a life in Cali that I was knee deep in but when it was time for me to leave, I was more than ready for a fresh start. I was tapped out of resources, had even spent some time homeless, practically living out my car and sleeping out of various friends’ houses. I entertained more toxic and pointless relationships than I could keep up with and had completely lost sight of my identity. I lied to most, if not all of the men I was involved with. Whatever you needed me to be, that was me but it came with a price. It cost me my peace and sanity. I filled my time with toxicity but even in the midst of all that confusion, I wanted to be free. I moved to Texas cutting off many ties to my old life in California. I left toxic relationships cold turkey, got back on my health and fitness, and committed to celibacy within the first few months of my move. I stayed in most of the time, only going out to church or on family trips. I needed to shut out my past and prepare for my future but I began having withdrawals. Through the funding of the pimp, I returned back to California, craving a reminder of home. I spent almost two months in California that fall and I got that reminder plus a few other life lessons I carry with me as a result of that relapse trip. What happened to me on that trip sobered me up. It set a defining moment where I realized that California will always be my birthplace but never again my home.