Yesterday on my way home from work a feeling that I’ve never felt before crept over me. I was standing on the subway a few stops in when I began to notice all the young husbands and wives around me. They weren’t coupled up but as individuals on their commute home from work. My mind wandered as I imagined what their marriage was like. Would their spouse be home waiting to greet them at the door. Would dinner be on the table or is tonight an impromptu date night. I began to think of my experience as a wife. I actually loved being a wife and might I add, despite the outcome of my marriage now, I was damn good at it too.
I remember anticipating my ex husbands arrival home. I would be there waiting for him with open arms ready to embrace him with my love, hugs and kisses. I remember the surprise gifts I would give him and particularly gummy worms being his favorite. Our weekly date nights were Tuesday evenings which also happened to be my favorite day of the week. I remember being excited to come home to him and snuggling up to his 6’4 frame and body heat. I remember mornings being the hardest. I’m always cold and his warmth was preferred over any blanket. I enjoyed hearing about how his day went and his excitement as he shared with me his new music. I made it a habit to pray over him as he slept and I addressed him as a king so that he’d never forget. I prided myself in being his peace and voice of reason whether he utilized me or not. Even on our darkest days from the outside looking in you couldn’t tell we were falling apart. I vowed to be a demonstration of love even in the midst of our hardships. I loved the hell out of him and I vowed to the rest of my life. By the time I got to my stop, tears had welled up in my eyes and I came to the realization that I miss being a wife.
I want to add more content to that last statement so that my vulnerability isn’t taken out of context. I don’t necessarily miss being his wife but being a wife in general. Don’t get me wrong, despite the unicorns and rainbows I just described, we went through days where the love and effort I administered wasn’t reciprocated. I am also fully aware that the role of a wife is far deeper than the highlights I just shared. That’s precisely why I chose to headline this blog post with this particular quote:
“If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you can love the right one.”
I have no doubt in the capabilities of my love, but my question is will the love I give be reciprocated. I know I could love you. My history has proven that I could love the unloveable and warm even the coldest of hearts. My issue isn’t how to love my issue is preserving my love for the soul who was meant to experience it.
I’m a lover and I love hard so to be single knowing I am whole, healed and able to love takes some great discipline. I desire to be in a relationship eventually. I even desire to get married again one day. I suppose I can date in the meantime but I’m not a recreational dater. I don’t date for fun or as a pastime. My past has proven that potent to me. So even though I miss the masculinity around and the presence of someone being there, I won’t compromise my solitude for just anyone. I respect my energy far too much to just add anyone I’m attracted to, to me. I cherish this alone time even though it gets lonely sometimes. I’ve gained peace of mind, self discipline and an extra dose of discernment through this voluntary isolation. I can identify longevity, weed out pointless flings and I’ve learned through experience that I’d rather be a friend than for us to form toxicity. I’m open and receptive to love, I’m simply waiting to encounter the soul meant to love me back the way I deserve to be loved. So on days like this when memories of being a wife is brought to my remembrance, I think back to all that I had to fight through to achieve the peace I currently walk in. I sober up and remind myself that for a love I deserve, I’ll wait.
It’s okay to feel emotion and it’s perfectly normal to feel like this. Just don’t let your emotions drag you back to where you just left. Know that you deserve love and happiness and if the relationship that you are in is not reciprocating or administering that, you deserve to have your needs met. Now I definitely mean within reason. Within marriage I would highly suggest communicating before reacting. Maybe changes can be made, maybe with mention needs can be met. In my case I tried all those steps to the point where my ex husband expressed that he simply couldn’t love me and would remove himself so that I could get the love I deserve from someone else. Hearing that hurt but I appreciate his sacrifice. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. He set me free instead of keeping me for himself selfishly knowing he couldn’t meet my needs. I’ll get the opportunity to love again one day and I promise to whoever is on the receiving end, I’ll love you like I’ve never been hurt before but I need you reciprocate that.