It’s been a while since I’ve done a #TransformationTuesday so I thought this before and after would only be fitting since my modeling career is blooming right along with me. A lot has changed since the pictures on the left so let’s take it back a couple years to 2017 and I’ll paint the context. I was fresh in my #BloomingUnapologetically journey. I filed for divorce that January, which for me was the key that released me to fully pursue me. It set the tone for me to step outside my box or better stated, crawl from under my rock. Modeling was a childhood dream of mine that I buried because I was told being plus sized wasn’t something I should celebrate or acknowledge. Due to that belief, most of my life I battled with my weight and hid behind clothes that would downplay my curves and plus size figure. Modeling didn’t even cross my mind again until I chose to pursue my dreams and conquer my fears as I began this healing journey. The end of my marriage served as the catalyst that I needed to propel me to be the best me. I decided that I would face my biggest battles with my fluctuating weight and address the root of my lack of confidence.
For Transparency Tuesday I’m going to let y’all in on an internal battle I’ve been fighting recently. Although I am #BloomingUnapologetically and have undergone much healing, there are still wounds that are tender. I’m brave enough to admit that I am battling some insecurities. Believe it or not it's not about my body image or self perception, the specific wound I want to uncover today is my trust in men. Now I want to qualify what I mean. Do I think all men are dogs, no. Do I think it is impossible to be honest and faithful, no. All I’m saying is that I haven’t seen any of my ex’s and the devil in the same room. I’m joking but you get the gist. I merely haven’t had many positive experiences with men and in order to generate positive experiences I have to be open to them. This is my point. I swear I’m open but I’m really not. The simple thought makes me retreat with my white flag up. The thought of trusting someone again scares me. Like literally gives me anxiety. I become distant. I may even run away. I realize this is a problem and this is me openly admitting it. Now one thing I know from experience is to overcome fears you have to openly address them. I know there is no way to conquer this or get on the other side of the mountain except to go through it. This is where my analytical mind is getting the best of me. There are too many what ifs and unanswered questions. I literally would have to take a gamble with my heart and pray I don’t come up with the short end of the stick again. That is where the letter I posted on IG last night stemmed from. I was in that moment, writing to my future soulmate letting him know the battles I am fighting to get to him.
I remember the days when the separation from my ex husband was still new and I had just found additional proof of infidelity. My emotions began with devastation, reached infuriated and settled down with a interjection of maturity. If I could’ve quoted how I felt at that moment I’d title it “Somewhere Between F*** You and Forgiveness”. An array of emotions between dumbfounded and pettiness all crossed my mind and there was no resolution but to work through how I felt. I admit, it took a few months to process but it was my responsibility to heal beyond that. Staying there would’ve only prolonged my healing and I refused to let him or his actions have any more power over me. So cold turkey I refocused my energy. I removed my attention from the pain of what he did to me, to achieving peace. One thing I’ve learned over my #BloomingUnapologetically journey is that healing comes in waves. It does not happen all at once. Some days will feel unbearable. Some days will feel absolutely liberating. But most days will be a balance of both in between. I’ve had to adapt to taking days as they come. No feeling or emotion that you feel is wrong, it is just your truth at the moment. It is your responsibility to own it, embrace it and continue to level up. Even if you are the victim, healing has to begin and end with you but to even get to that point you have to uncover your hidden wounds.
A few weeks ago I celebrated my divorce in the company of close friends and family. It was definitely a joyous occasion as we dined over good food and great energy. The gathering was impromptu, invites were sent via text and I literally planned it the night before with my cousin who was also celebrating her divorce which was granted just a few days before mine. I was surprised by all the "I'll see you there" responses and the turn out warmed my heart. I've gotten a lot of side eyes as word has spread that I am celebrating divorce but I would like to set the record straight. I don't advocate for divorce. I advocate for wholeness by any means necessary but even this philosophy took me a while to attain. I remember a time that I was fresh in my marriage and still on that newlywed high full of hopes and dreams for our future. The same cousin who just celebrated with me came to me seeking advice regarding her derailing marriage around October of 2014. I'm known to give good advice with my forte being toxic relationships but this was advice on a topic I was not familiar with. I hadn't been married that long and I was talking to someone who was about 10 years in the game. I remember encouraging her to work it out and to stick by her husband and to forgive him and all the other good save your marriage tactics that were taught to me. We continued our conversation over dinner and parted ways later that evening. We caught up weekly over candid conversations that usually resulted in me jokingly calling her crazy. She informed me not too long after our 'save her marriage meeting' that they would officially be parting ways. I knew that God could change anyone and fix anything so I secretly held hope and prayed that they would work things out even in the midst of me knowing she deserved better. That was my first experience with giving advice on a topic I didn't have experience with but a few months after this in February of 2015 I got my second chance at this.