This story is very near and dear to my heart. This was the first time I attempted to love unconditionally and I must admit I got lost in it. It wasn't until years later that I eventually got a return from what I sowed into him. I met him after the pimp and in the midst of the one I ran away. We began our relationship when he was a boy. By boy I mean young, reckless and unaware of who he was. He was younger than me but I was drawn to the respect he commanded among the young and old. I saw something in him that I wanted to cultivate and protect. I saw what he could be if only he could stay alive. So I poured into that knowing that he could never repay me. I’d like to think that I knew what I was doing when I embarked on this relationship with him. Truth is, I was still knee deep in my savagery but torn between love and manipulation. Some days I wanted love and some days I wanted to experiment with my powers. He caught me off guard sometime in between then and I fell hard.
I’m going to be real transparent right now. There is one thing that bothers me from my divorce. It's a pain that I try and ignore and today I was required to address it. Breydan woke me up routinely with his morning cuddles. He told me good morning, he loved me and that I was beautiful all while laying on my back, cheek to my cheek and his arms around my neck. I think that was him prepping me for the blow he was about to dish out. He saw my phone on the edge of my bed, sat up and asked me if we can call his “bald headed daddy.” That is what he calls my soon to be ex husband. Caught off guard and wanting to retreat under my covers, the first time he asked, I ignored him. The second time he asked I looked around for my sister who usually comes to rescue me and divert his attention when he asks questions like this but she was in the shower. The third time he asked I finally mustered up the courage to address him. I told him that daddy and I are no longer together. That we weren’t going to be married anymore and he won’t be coming back. That’s when he hit me with the punch in my throat, figuratively, but might as well have been real. With sadness in his eyes he asked me if he was still his daddy and for that I could only answer, only if he wants to be.
My blog post today is a little off the beaten path. A lot of the pain I have recently experienced seems familiar so I decided to dig deeper into the karma I have conjured up. The heartache that I have been dealt was once administered by me. Among all my toxic relationships, there was … Continue reading My Only Regret. The One I Ran Away.
I used to be that pretty girl with bad intentions. I was whatever you needed me to be but only for your pleasure and my benefit. I didn’t mind being what you needed if I got what I wanted. I wanted you for what you could give me whether that be pleasure, finances, material possessions or shelter. If you weren't going to pay me in either one of those denominations, I was not entertaining you. I had a method to my madness that has even trickled down to my mindset now. There is a reason behind my self control, intuition, view on men and relationships. I learned from a pimp and all that he taught me contributed to my ability to understand people and as a result, love and forgive on the level I do now. I'd like to give my new followers some of my background and this foundation that has made me, me.
Before I continue with my divorce story, I want to tell you a little more about Leslie than what these stories are describing him to be. Although these stories seem to paint him in a negative light, I do want to inform you that he was once indeed beautiful and absolutely radiant. These recent stories tell of his lows and I did not fall in love with the man who I am currently divorcing. I fell in love with a wonderful man of God who was on fire for God and after God’s own heart. He helped me to my spiritual feet at my lowest and helped me to become the woman of God that I am today. Some of you may be familiar with our love story but I would like to retell it because even at our outcome, it still has merit and our love story was ordained by God. Remember it was the assignment that changed.
What do you do when what God calls you to do sounds crazy? Are you willing to walk away from the life you have created for yourself and live a life surrendered for His glory? My 2016 was just that. In November/ December of 2015 I remember being at my lowest emotionally and physically. I was unhappy in my marriage, receiving less than I deserved. I felt depleted in my friendships, pouring out more than what I was getting in and I was at a point where I could not get myself out of my depression. I had hit rock bottom despite what it looked like on the outside. I remember vividly praying to God asking Him to send a friend who can pour into me.
During my 10 day vacation, I was often fatigued and it was difficult to keep up with our jam packed itinerary. By the end of my trip I needed a vacation from my vacation. Little did I know when I returned home, my journey had just begun and the life I knew would dramatically change.