The Little Boy I Loved With The Life of Me

This story is very near and dear to my heart. This was the first time I attempted to love unconditionally and I must admit I got lost in it. It wasn’t until years later that I eventually got a return from what I sowed into him. I met him after the pimp and in the midst of the one I ran away. We began our relationship when he was a boy. By boy I mean young, reckless and unaware of who he was. He was younger than me but I was drawn to the respect he commanded among the young and old. I saw something in him that I wanted to cultivate and protect. I saw what he could be if only he could stay alive. So I poured into that knowing that he could never repay me. I’d like to think that I knew what I was doing when I embarked on this relationship with him. Truth is, I was still knee deep in my savagery but torn between love and manipulation. Some days I wanted love and some days I wanted to experiment with my powers. He caught me off guard sometime in between then and I fell hard.

 

I’m a sucker for a man who commands respect and carries a sense of bravado. A silent presence yet loud in his impact and he had that at 15 years of age. He approached me with boldness and that caught my eye. Without knowing me or my history he sought out to get my attention and when he did I gave him a chance. I got to know him and his story soon after that. One of the youngest amongst many siblings but still a provider of his family. He lived a rough life surviving by any means necessary and forcefully removing anybody who got in his way. He had nobody except his friends he considered family and together they lived and protected each other. He ran the streets but any time I could get my hands on him I kept him with me. I knew he used me but my logic was if he was at least in my presence, he would be safe and I didn’t care what I gave up to achieve that. We spent hours together daily, chilling, driving across town, dropping him off, picking him up, picking his friends up, clothing him, feeding him, nurturing him, all things I know he could never reciprocate and I did it selflessly. I did this for about two years as I watched him grow up before my eyes. I fell in love with his mindset and although he was young, he was wise beyond his years even then. He was cool, calm, collected and alluring. People were drawn to him and followed him and I was one of them. I must admit I did some crazy things for him. Talk about ride or die, that was me knowing he couldn’t even appreciate all that I was at that time. My love for him was toxic. I was doing for him everything the pimp had taught me not to do. To an extent I was aware of what I was doing I just wasn’t conscious of how deep I was.

 

I have a saying, “you can’t play me unless I allow you to” and I definitely allowed him to. My life began to revolve around him. Whenever he needed me I was available to him. He flagrantly entertained other women in the midst of our situationship and I accepted it because I had others on the side too and above all I felt he needed me. Now don’t judge me for being young and stupid. I openly admit I was a fool for him. In the midst of all this, I knew I was too far gone and I needed an out. I got that out when I moved from California to Texas. I knew there was no way we can reside within close proximity of each other and me let him go. That soul tie ran deep and he knew that he could always call on me and I would come. I had never shown him different and I kept falling for him. After I left California it took me months to get over him. I literally up and left cold turkey and dealt with the withdrawals as they came.

 

Even after I left him, I never left him. I’ve been in Texas for 7 years now and over the years I have watched him grow to be the man he is today. I watched from a distance and would check in on him and his well being from time to time. I had moved on with my life, had a son and got married so our conversations never got too deep. We didn’t get a chance to really reconnect until this past year. He hit me up randomly letting me know that he would be passing through Texas and he wanted to see me. Although I was married but seperated, I agreed to. Our encounter was exactly what I needed. He caught me up with all that happened with him after I left. His life took a downturn, he spent time in jail, and almost lost his life several times. He shared with me that while all this was happening to him he had a chance to reflect and it led him back to me. He wanted to thank me for all that I did for him and keeping him alive back then. He apologized for all that he did in our situationship and admitted that he was just trying to survive back then and couldn’t appreciate all that I was to him. He told me how I changed his life and that he hasn’t been able to forget me since. I smiled sharing with him my logic behind keeping him alive so that he can one day live. He let me know that he changed his life, got his head on right, his street cred turned into brotherhood respect and that he no longer runs the streets but goes into the streets to seek out lost men like he once was. I was able to see that before me was no longer a boy but an incredible man of virtue that had no clue that before him stood a broken woman who had lost the essence of who she is. He got his chance to repay me then.

 

When I met up with him, he had no clue of the impact that had on me. It changed me and flipped a switch back on that I had long turned off with all the things I endured in my marriage. He had no clue that at the time I met up with him that my husband had just left. He admitted that when he saw me, he knew something was wrong but he didn’t want to probe. I was at my lowest and he poured life into me by just reminding me of the Taty he knew. His appreciation for my role in his life let me know that I was still valuable when I felt worthless. I didn’t share with him until several months after this encounter that I had seperated from my husband. He didn’t take advantage of his access in my weakness but instead reminded me of my worth, what I deserved and damn near threatened me to never settle for less. He did all this by just being a friend. We hold a friendship to this day and can now talk openly about our past and jokingly reference all the crazy things we did. I can’t say that we will ever be together again but I know that our purpose in each other’s life has definitely been a blessing.

 

I’ll leave you with this poem I wrote for his birthday back in 2013:

 

I loved that boy

Never planned on it

Didn’t even see it coming

It snuck up on me

With no warnings, no directions

Even with my objections

I still loved that boy

I knew he needed me

That fueled me to be all that he needed me to be

I would help him out because it was easy for me

I had it to give

Giving him a little here and there were favors that I never expected to be reciprocated

I knew he didn’t have it

I would rather him get it from me than run the streets

I had love for him

In the I want the best for him kind of way

Even when I knew all that I did for him he could never repay

I was aware that he didn’t know how to love me back

I didn’t expect him too

I looked out for him

With no expectations

I knew if he was with me he would stay out of trouble

I wanted to protect him in my makeshift, safe haven bubble

Even when I left him

I never left him

I was there watching from a distance

As I let go of his hand

I watched him grow to be a man

I’m happy to say he turned out just fine

That boy is now a man

A baby girl now holds his hand

I couldn’t be happier for him

It’s funny how life takes it’s different courses

The time I spent with him served its purpose

And I still have love for him

I loved that boy

Always have and always will

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