Disclaimer: This post isn’t for advice or sympathy. I just want to share with you guys what has been going through my mind. Enjoy!
As many of you know who follow me on Instagram, I have been sharing my journey through healing. I will also be sharing many of those stories on here to fill in this audience. I am currently going through a divorce. It is not finalized but it is in process and I am healing alongside this legal process. Marriage and ending a marriage is much more than a mere legal process. Not only are papers signed, souls are connected and even if momentarily, destinies and lives collide. So as you could imagine, as in leaving any serious committed relationship, mending after a broken marriage can be quite the journey. I have been on my healing journey since August of 2016. I have passed the stages of sadness, anger and bitterness, conquered forgiveness and now reside in peace. Where I’m struggling is in the land of loving and trusting again. Now please don’t think that I am out here trying to jump in a relationship or even thinking about getting married again when my divorce isn’t even legally finalized from my 1st marriage. That is truly and severely not the case. I am absolutely content with being single in this season but naturally, as anyone would leaving a relationship, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of future relationships lately. Specifically, me falling in love again. And I must be honest, I can’t even fathom myself in another serious relationship at this time or even in the future at that. Truth is, commitment scares me but inconsistency does too and I’m not sure if I can gamble with love again for those reasons. I’ve been hurt and disappointed too many times before.
If any of you are familiar with my story, I’m not out here just recklessly loving and getting into relationships. I love intentionally, purposefully and loyally. It took a few toxic relationships for me to get to this level of discipline but I am now actually quite guarded. I filter every person I come in contact with and check with discernment their purpose in my life because I simply cannot afford to be distracted at this stage in my life. I do not entertain pointless encounters and to be quite frank I am not interested in having a boyfriend, friends with benefits or anything of that sort. If you are not my soulmate or if my destiny is not connected to you, I am not interested nor do I want to be interrupted by your advances. You see, relationships have been my kryptonite. My superpower is love and I will admit, sometimes I get a little carried away. If I love you, I.Love.You. I mean the type of love that will touch you in your most barren places, heal you and exceed a lifetime if you allow my love to penetrate you. Sounds intense right? It is. So I’m sure you can imagine how much of my spirit and energy is expended with loving someone. This is why I don’t think that I can try again. I don’t possess the ability to exert that much energy into a relationship that lacks commitment, consistency, passion and longevity. So in my over analytical mind, if this can’t be guaranteed to me, why should I even gamble with it? I would rather enjoy my singleness and get some stuff done that has been prolonged due to me investing my time and energy into someone else other than me.
I guess my issue is, I don’t trust anyone to love me the way I deserve to be loved. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not this bitter woman who thinks all men are dogs and cheaters and that I don’t want or need a man and I can do bad all by myself. This is not the case. I love men. I respect men and I cherish men. I just desire to be with a strong man who knows how to love and be loved and I prefer for this man to not come for me if he is not ready for the type of unconditional love I require. I know that this man is going to have to be some kind of special for me to open my heart again because right now that door is sealed shut with explosives triggered to detonate and disarm anyone’s advances who threatens my peace and destiny.
Do I think the ability for me to love again is possible? Definitely. Do I think that this mythical man of my dreams is out there and equipped with everything I want and need? Not so much. Although I am a dreamer, I am also practical, however the standard has been set. Every relationship and marriage will come with trying times where you will have to consciously choose to love and forgive each other daily. I know that no man is perfect and no woman at that, but I do believe there is someone out there perfect for me. His heart will come equipped with the love I need and he will be the heart meant to love me. When will I meet him? I’m not sure. Have I already met him? I guess time will tell. In the meantime, I just know I am finally loving me and investing in being the best me I can be. It is time I take some time for me. I am enjoying my singleness and right now I’m not willing to give that freedom up.
I’ll leave you with a few of my original poems/thoughts:
You’ll Know Me When You See Me
I don’t want a boyfriend
I want a soulmate
Until then I wont date
Pointless encounters are not appealing to me
Show me that our souls were supposed to meet
Show me that you can add to me
Show me that you possess the answer key
That will be what attracts me
Simply stating you possess these qualities won’t do
I won’t judge a book by it’s cover but know that my discernment is on point too
Show me that my destiny is connected to you
Maybe then I will consider marriage round two
See this time I have some prerequisites
I cherish my freedom too much and I won’t be reckless with it
I promise that I’ll be ready when you come
In the meantime I have some things I have to get done
I’ll be running as you catch up to me
Whenever you are added to me I’ll be here with open arms ready to receive
Until then I wont date
Whenever we meet it will be fate
I’m sure you will be well worth the wait
Because I don’t need a boyfriend, I need a soulmate
Letter to My Future
I came to wreck havoc. The kind of havoc that heals the most broken parts of you. The kind of havoc that transforms you. Show me your pain and I will show you peace, love and adoration. What others see as flaws, I see as opportunity for me to help you be all that you can be. Grow with me. Bloom with me. Love with me. Heal with me. Leave an imprint on this world with me. Let’s meet destiny hand in hand.
I’ll meet you where our paths cross. You’ll recognize me.
To Be Loved By A Woman Who Knows Your Worth
I want to love a black man who knows that his melanin is magical and his worth is a threat facing extinction.
You deserve a queen who will remind you of who you are, whose you are and why you are worth love and adoration.
I’m willing to love and cherish you, and to be the jewel in your crown.
I pray your heart reflects love and light.
Let me know when you are ready to take flight.
I will love you like no other.
Thoughts Written Out
I’ll be honest with you, the thought of marriage again scares me.
Not because I’m afraid of love but because I’m afraid of being stuck.
But how can you blame me?
I just left a marriage where I didn’t grow beyond arm’s reach
I can’t give up my freedom again that easily
I know what you’re thinking, in a marriage you too should be able to be free
But it doesn’t work like that
When two become one, you aren’t free to do your own thing, you both bare the responsibility
I’m okay with that but the next man has to be able to hold up his end
I can’t do double the work
Marriage isn’t 50/50 it’s 100/100
It Must Be Unconditional
I once loved someone who one day decided that loving me was too complicated
It required too much energy, too much effort, and far too much forgiveness than he was willing to give
I require an unconditional lover
Not unconditional because I am bound to mess up, but unconditional because that is the only level I know how to love on
I now know that I deserve to receive back what I pour out
I just want to be in a dope relationship with someone who wants to love freely, deeply, without restraints and without borders
I want to experience unconditional love on an unconventional level
Understanding, affection, acceptance and unfiltered